it's that time of year again. that time of year where everyone starts looking for their prom dresses or thinking about what girl they are going to ask or who is going to ask them. it's also valentine's day, aka single's awareness day, aka cupid's day, aka the most sappy, worst, heart-wrenching, debatable day of the year.

someone needs to save us from the confusion.

no façades allowed.

people confuse me. hell, i confuse myself. i stayed home today and curled up in a nice fruit of the loom white tee and slept my cold off. although i am still stuffy as hell and am pretty sure i have lost my sense of smell forever, i can see the light at the end of this very dark tunnel. during this wonderful day off however, i looked up places to go to college in a year.

due to the fact that i plan on majoring in environmental studies, i am trying to find a college that takes pride in their environmental contribution to this sad world. i found myself looking at the university of colorado. there are many problems with this,

1. i hate winter.

2. it is a ton of miles away from home.

oh and also, it is going to be hard to be fashionable when all i can wear most of the time is a freaking north face. this will be frustrating. maybe i will have to continue my search elsewhere.

take me back.

all of this...

reminds me of summer. i want it all back right now. i want the feelings i had and the smells that were there. i want it all back. this winter has been super hard. i am not one for wool hats and wearing a jacket every day. i want to be able to slip on some sandals and not have to lace up shoes or worry about getting wet unless i'll be by a pool or hit by a sprinkler while running, which is always welcomed any way.

this summer, i plan to:

- buy some new gladiator sandals even if they are out of style

- go running every day and compete in the human race

- watch every world cup game that is available to view

- get a real job

- lay out in the sun and get my fair dose of vitamin D

- save for a car, or something for myself

- become more environmentally conscious

needless to say, this summer is going to be epic, even though i have to get through almost an entire semester of school still. FML.

camouflaged.

this addiction is getting out of control. which one you ask? well there are many. running, art(ing), sitting in the hot tub daily, driving fast. its ridiculous.

another ridiculous thing? my wardrobe as of late. lately i have been in a serious funk. i always want to look at my best, however lately i just don't care. i want to wear clothes that are amazing, but then i wake up in the morning and have no motivation to put them on. it is really a travesty.

hopefully when spring and summer come around i will be motivated to wear something other than black and white things. i need heat right now. come on march, come sooner.

clinging to a cliff.

i swear sometimes songs come on the radio and lights turn red just to torture me. sometimes i think about wearing that same sweatshirt and a feeling comes over me. most of the time i get sick and tired of having no one to break down to for fear of making another person feeling unimportant.

the worst part about this whole thing is that i will never be able to forget. ill never be able to move on from that. some people will always buy the same shoes to run in because that's what they know fits. some people always wear the same brand of jeans because they know that they make their legs look thinner.

you'll most likely always be stuck in my head, but i promise you, i'll never see you again, and that's something ill have to live with the rest of my life.

one big circle.

here we go round the mulberry bush, the mulberry bush, the mulberry bush. here we go round the mulberry bush so early in the morning.

i have come to realize that i will never change. we will never change. we will hold grudges. we will never trust the ones who once betrayed us. the lies and affairs will outweigh the times where we couldn't imagine ourselves without each other.

we will burn bridges, build bridges, and maintain bridges. whatever. as long as i look and feel good doing it, i'll have no problem. so bring it on, ill lace up my vans, put on my jeans, and conquer this.

beyond the party.

there are parts of us that will always remain loyal to the things we know, the people we know. everything we know, is everything we trust. tonight, everything and everyone we trust was asked to be expanded. our minds were asked to expand, just as our dreams and aspirations need to expand.

tonight, i feel we took a step forward. i feel that lowering the cost for me to go to a four year university is going to help me succeed in life. i feel that eliminating my debt that occurred while getting an education after 10 years will help me succeed in life. if not for me, for my brothers. if not for them, for their children.

tonight, i feel we took a step forward, because we can no longer rely on fuel from the ground. we need to rely on fuel that doesn't choke us, that doesn't deplete our ozone. go ride a bike in the summer. bask in the sun and get outside. buy a blanket instead of turning up the thermostat.

basically, our nation needs change, and understanding, and blending. we need to get rid of the party lines, or simply erase them, because no matter if someone is blue or red or black or white, we all have to live here together. coming up with ideas together is going to help all of us.

ride it out.

It rained a couple days ago. I thought to myself "oh my goodness, i can see grass, i can see the light". That day was the happiest I have been all winter. It was something that no one could ruin, no circumstance, no relationship, no words could take away that feeling of new beginning and hope.

It started to snow today. There is more than two inches in the ground now. I curse all of you who like this shit. This is the only drawback to moving out to colorado, there is a ton of this shit. All over the place, everywhere you look. I heard its sunny all the time though. I'm going on a visit this summer, hopefully I find an abundance of sunshine.

So tonight i'll curly up in my American Eagle boy boxers, and wish for 70 degree sunny days in which I can take Oberon jogging and catch a nice wind of change. Maybe I'll sail on it for a while.

bend and break.

"See the world we come from: there's no green there. They've killed their mother, and they're going to do the same thing here."

I saw avatar this weekend. This quote was the most profound thing I have heard in a while. "They've killed their mother." It is so incredibly true. I'm afraid to call this planet my home. It's quite the predicament. We need someone to deliver out silver lining, but no one is going to step up and do that for another 50 years, when our ozone collapses and no one can breathe to tell anyone the plan. We have no plan. We are aimless.

I need to see something new. I need new people, new air, new space to live in. I want freedom, but I want the comforts of home. I am hoping in the next couple of years I can start to get used to the idea that Colorado could possibly be my new home. I'll be away from everyone and everything.

This is too much for me to hold. Are we there yet?

ball and chain.

i need to make myself another bracelet. i had an amazing black and white one all summer, and then i had to break it off of my wrist for soccer season. i think this yeah i am just going to put tape over it so i don't have to tear it off. it was pretty painful.

my recent obsession has become flickr. it is such a time waster, but really amazing too. it makes me think about things i wouldn't have before. it makes me want to be more creative. i can't wait till i get a place of my own and can design everything how i want it to be.

call me crazy, but i like the idea of having nothing in a room besides a bunch of edison lights and a matress on the floor. that would make such a pretty picture.

an apple a day.

in my AP Environmental class today, a project was proposed to us today to write down everything we eat this weekend and where it came from.

Basically, if i plan on drinking a fifth of SKY vodka, i have to write down how much and where it came from. This should be a good project. I wonder if I should write where I get my weed from too. Just kidding kiddos. Doing illegal things is bad for you and your health

I plan on eating a ton of organic apples and drenching myself in Boxed Water, my one true love.

complete.

i would like this blogging world to know that i just finished a four page essay in about an hour. the first draft was due on monday, which i expertly dodged turning in by avoiding the teacher, and then not coming to school the next day. needless to say, i needed to suck it up and get the job done.

school these days is becoming overwhelming with social, academic, and athletic aspects of it. i needed a day off and it is only the second week back. though all of these things take a toll on me mentally, my hair has not suffered one bit. it is getting longer and healthier by the day. thank god.

i have to say, my wardrobe has not suffered either. i have felt better about myself than i have in a long time, and i am honestly ready to start running as a habit again. it makes me miss summer a tad more than i think i should.

in preparation for this glorious event of me restarting my running career on nikeplus.com, i received a hot pink nike+ sportsband and a bright blue under armor running jacket for christmas. hopefully this yields the results i have been looking forward to for a while.

freezer box.

today when i stayed home sick, i woke up and had zero content in my stomach besides a couple ounces of coke and a quarter of a large french fry from last night. i got up, watched some tivo, cried over some guys, and moved on with my day.

the air was nippy when i pulled the covers off of myself and stretched. i wrapped myself in a sweater and made my way up the stairs. my stomach was making stranger noises than usual, probably a sign that i should eat something.

i honestly stood looking in the refrigerator for a good five minutes until i decided on an apple and some pineapple.

life is much too precious to fret over things like boys and school. sometimes its nice to focus on your hoodie, blanket, and apples.

hello darlings.

tonight i attended this beautiful little event known as the 7th birthday of Lemonjello's coffee shop. My dearest love Tessa Perez sang her magical music. There are upsides and downsides to these sorts of events. Upside: you see people you really love and also some long lost friends. Downside: you see people you wished you would never see again the minute they graduated or stepped out of your life.

all in all, everything went really well. i wore this amazing plaid shirt that i got for christmas from american eagle. this is probably my new favorite shirt. though this is probably not shocking to you, it is to me. i hate fitted shirts, i hate flannel shirts, and i usually am not a fan of plaid, but this is the only exception. and it really helps when someone calls you hot when you wear it, thank you branden beacham.

HOLLA!

contrast.

these days, i find myself changing. everyone changes, we all know that. we can all feel when we're changing. when some things become more important than others. when we are more likely to share things with someone new than an old friend.

i find these things happening. i used to wear so many colors. now, my whole closet and all of my drawers are filled with things black, white, and on occasion, grey. i like it this way. i like sharing things with people i like to share with.

i like to smoke the occasional bowl. i like to clear my head often by sitting in the cold car. i apply for jobs i don't intend on taking. this wasn't me a year ago, but this is me now.

"things are not always, things are not always, how they seem. will you be ready?"